It has been over a month since I have been able to write. There was a fight, there was the move, there was cocaine, there was a lot.
I will try to start from the beginning and find my path to where I am now. This blog might keep me sane.
A month ago, Alan and I were GChatting.
I post dogs who are facing euthanasia on Facebook. I have been defriended for it, but its my responsibility to try to network those dogs. Of the 50 or so I see a day, I try to repost a handful.
Alan was upset about a senior dog with health problems, who was about to be put down at a shelter. The dog was rescued.
Alan: and i just saw your text msg about the little dog
im glad it got adopted.. i saw that little guy in my head all day after you posted
it made me so sad.. he was in a cage on newspaper frowning
Me: I know
I look at them all day
tons of them
but people will ignore if I am not sparing
Alan: every other day or so one of them gets to me and i get tempted
that was the strongest
i have a soft spot for old dogs nobody wants..
just.. no money or room
Me: I know, me too
someday . . . I would like to have something real to help
I really love taking care of them
Alan: you’ll get there
if our reject parents could manage some level of success, we’ll be fine
Alan: too harsh?
Me: and that is the truth!
my parents are total rejects
. . .
Something about pregnancy is alluring
something I would love to experience and write about
well that’s sure the wrong reason to do it if i ever heard one
Me: but the last thing the world needs is another asshole
Alan: but we’ll think about right ones some other day
Me: I see a lot of misery
Alan: yea yea
Me: and a lot of problems
Alan: you can only make a dick or a pussy
and some of them aren’t even satisfied with that
My sister won’t have kids
I am the last chance to carry out the bloodline
I don’t know
I was sure about it once, now I just think the world is fucked
Alan: Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding,
The cretins cloning and feeding,
And I dont even own a tv,
This is the last conversation with Alan where I thought we had a future together. It felt so good to feel that way again. I thought he understood me and we were going to carve out our own world together.
Life started to really suck. Unemployment had me on a break in my benefits, I was awaiting approval for the next cycle and could only claim one week from the end of this cycle.
Unfortunately, they kept rejecting my claim and sending me a new form for that same week at the end of July over and over. By the fourth time, I was a month behind on my benefits.
I contacted them, and they apologized and confirmed the delay and duplicates were in error, I was approved for the next cycle but still had one more week to claim on the last cycle. Again, the form was rejected and I was sent a duplicate.
I had no money for rent at the place in Pasadena where I was, and no money for the new place I was about to move into.
My paycheck for Doggie Daycare was incredibly weak because I have been taking off every other weekend to be with Alan.
I was upset and freaking out. Trent was going to loan me money, but he was fined $600 by the IRS and was now getting bills from an ambulance that was called on his Turkish Cab Driver incident.
Seeing as I floated Alan the few weekends he was here on food, candy and soda- I thought I could find a way to ask him to loan me the money. I hate borrowing money, but if anyone could make the sting bearable, it would be the person I go down on twice a day.
Roughly about a week and change from our last conversation, we had the following one:
Me: I really need to talk to you
Alan: um.. hi?
Me: I am freaking out
Alan: i got that.. take a breath and smoke a bowl.. you’ll get through it
Me: I know neither of us are good at this relationship thing
but all day I was thinking that we could talk and you could make me feel something
pragmatic thinking with love
and I know when you make it by yourself, its hard to drum up sympathy for people complaining about it
when you made it through
and this far without a girlfriend holding you and helping you
but I need you to help me
Me: help me come up with a plan
just tell me that I am not fucked
Alan: you’re not.. and i already told you the plan. cancel your rent check, end the fees.. pay your rent with dora.. fuck that old apartment.. and get on your feet so you can pay your old debts
you can’t fix shit right now.. you are too in the hole
juggling too much is making us both insane.. so just start finding things to drop
Me: i am trying
money and moving out is a priority
my only priority
and it feels endless
Alan: you make it that way
that’s why i stopped faking nice.. it appears to be a waste of both of our time
you’re just going to argue with me if i try to sound hopeful
and i love waking up to being argued with 😛
you do hurt me when you talk about money every day.. like i can magically fix things..
I cant.. and telling me every day about things that i can’t help you with.. hurts..
Me: but baby, that’s a relationship
Alan: i know.. its just hard to separate lover advice from realist advice
Me: lovers don’t give advice, they give hope
realists give advice
and a good relationship has both
Alan: realist Alan is annoyed as hell.. lover Alan just wants to make everything better
Me: how do you think I feel when you are in agony after finals or your mom doesn’t call you on your birthday. you think that’s a party for me?
Alan: that’s the worst part.. you’d make your condition worse to be there for me
which makes things worse for me..
i love you but your life is seriously fucked up.. you have to know that
do you really think it wouldn’t affect me to see that?
Me: its not that fucked up
Alan: no it really is
Me: I work
I have lots of love
I satisfy my thirst for adventure
Alan: you work for shit wages at a meaningless job with the excuse that you do it for the friends, even though you hate most of your co-workers
Me: not true
I work there because I love it
and it keeps me emotionally balanced when dealing with rejection every day
Alan: and you can’t get by without that?
Me: doing . . .
Alan: what are you doing now?
Me: I audition all the time
I also write
Alan: writing is good.. the auditioning might need to stop since you can’t afford the time or gas..
you really are that broke
Me: then I would surrender my identity and goals.
Maybe we should take a break . . .
Alan: yes.. you would.. because you can’t afford them
that is how i did it..
Me: give up
Alan: ‘give up’ is the wrong word.
you come back to the things that matter.. even stronger
because they matter
but you really are in bad shape.. i mean look at your house.. for you to say you are fine is ridiculous
you be a realist for a moment 😛 what hurts me is sugar-coating life all the time.. its not how i function
especially right after i wake up..
Me: yes, you mentioned that
Alan: you want to break up because I’m telling you how i actually feel.. fine.. but I’m ignoring you about that decision till tomorrow because i assume you’ll regret even mentioning it 😛
so try that crap again in the morning if you mean it
Me: I never said we should break up
Alan: i’ll tell you no then too
Me: I said maybe I should disappear and get back on my feet
Alan: ‘take a break’
Me: and not yearn for your comfort
Alan: I’ve heard that one before..
Me: Let me move and get a savings account going
borrow money from some men who want to bang me
and get happy
then we can go out
and maybe I can be the girl you want then
Alan: you are the girl i want now
Me: but right now, I guess, my life is too fucked up to include another person
Alan: but if i can’t angrily rant and rave and bitch about whatever without you doing this right here.. you won’t last long
so again, no to taking a break
and don’t mention it again 😛
this voice.. this is really how i talk to myself all of the time.. pragmatism in overdrive
sometimes its all i have
i don’t know how to console or be nice to people.. i just fix things.. i can’t fix your things.. and that hurts
and i can’t even bitch about that or i get some crap about ‘oh let’s take a break, you don’t mind being alone because I have problems, right?’
Me: i need consolation and nice
Alan: so do we all.. it doesn’t come on demand
have you considered that believing you have someone to rely on all the time is partially responsible for you not fixing your problems when they arise?
because i never have anyone to rely on
Trent was good tonight
Alan: so your friends don’t get that then
if you don’t have anyone to rely on 😛
Me: I don’t reach out to them
only when I am distracted and near tears at work
all of us at work have been through major transitional shifts this year
two of us moved out of significant others, long relationships
5 years plus and started over
Trent was unemployed and injured without insurance for 2 months
We all have been there for each other
and I love them
my cat died and they all covered my shifts until my hands healed
and bought me a bottle of Jack Daniels
we are there for each other
Alan: and i see why you love them..
Me: Its been a shitty year for all of us
and Doggie Daycare moves my shifts for me
they loan me money
they hug me when I need it
even the ones I don’t like
Alan: and they keep you living like you’re 19
Me: You are mistaking a job I like for lack of maturity
Alan: no I’m not
Me: as if I haven’t lived in your world
Alan: you live like a teenager
a paycheck and a mature social base would change that.. just because you had bad experiences with douchebags in the past doesn’t mean you will in the future
and great places like dog sitters are also filled with douchebags
Me: take a career I don’t love
to take up time to do things I do love
Alan: its not a career
Me: to hang out with a mature social crowd and listen to stories of babies and houses
an office job
a . . . what?
so doggie daycare is your career?
Me: Doggie Daycare enables me to pursue creative ambitions
Alan: so would having a job with an actual paycheck so you don’t end up looking like a bag lady when you do your creative ambitions
you’ve seen them at auditions I’m sure
Me: I see women who work as waitresses and whore themselves
or rich kids
. . .
Me: Atleast, if I die tomorrow, I would be happy
Alan: if you die tomorrow your dogs are fucked because all your friends are broke and you have no support structure beyond them.
Me: Ok, well you talk to Wilson about his quality of life, and I will consult with mine
Alan: imagine what basic life insurance coverage could do 😛
real jobs have that
Me: I am beginning to see you don’t understand me
I have had insurance
and I have had real jobs
I have dated men older than me
I have been to dinner parties
I have a 401 K somewhere
I had a doctor
I had everything
and, wow, here is a shocker, I was still miserable
Alan: and here’s one.. you are miserable now
Me: no I am not
Alan: just because you dump it on other people doesn’t change it
Me: Wow, ok
thank you for being candid with me
I do appreciate the honesty
Alan: why do you think you can’t keep friends around?
Me: but, I don’t really respond to tough love
or misconstrued ideas about me or my life
Alan: you get comfortable and make them responsible for your suffering
Me: I cant keep friends around
Alan: then they run
and you get mad at them for betraying you
like you’re getting mad at me now 😛
Me: Alan, I love you
but this is too much
I am glad I know now
what you think of me
instead of later down the line
but thank you
this has been unbelievably fascinating
I am going to go to bed
and factor in all your ideas
and wonder how the fuck I fell for someone who thinks so little of me
and never make that mistake again
Me: take care
Alan: that’s what I’m talking about right there
Me: go back to sleep
you will find what you want somewhere else
but not here
Me: I am cold and upset
I am going to watch Dexter
and start over tomorrow
Alan: you’ll do fine.. you always do
An hour later . . .
Alan: I’m sorry i hurt your feelings even more than they were.. when you are hurt i feel hurt, and i get defensive..
really.. if you want to know what I’m thinking.. put yourself in my shoes.. that’s how i tend to know what you are thinking
we’re too similar
now go to bed.. there’s no reason being awake helps either of us right now..
The next morning I broke it off. I ripped out my heart and started to figure out how I was going to save myself.
Was it wise to destroy the affair? To push someone away even harder than they were pushing me, even if they had good intentions? Probably not.
I tend to overreact, but that’s love. (And I am sorry, I am just catching this . . . “So you don’t end up looking like a bag lady when you do your creative ambitions?” FUCK YOU)
And the next week, after the change of relationship status, and defriending and cold, brief messages, the breaking down to cry at work, the chain smoking and drugs . . . we agreed to see each other, after I moved.
To be continued . . .